Have you ever found yourself wondering “Who am I, really?”
Perhaps you know how to be there for other people, but struggle to know what you want for yourself. You might find yourself changing depending on who you're with, second-guessing your decisions, or looking to other people for reassurance that you're doing the right thing.
Sometimes this can leave you feeling confused, disconnected or unsure of what you actually want.
A less secure sense of self can affect many areas of life — from relationships and boundaries to decision-making, self-esteem and anxiety.
What does it mean to have a sense of self?
Our sense of self is our internal understanding of who we are.
It includes our feelings, values, preferences, beliefs, needs and boundaries. It allows us to recognise what feels right and wrong for us, even when other people may think differently.
Having a secure sense of self doesn't mean always knowing exactly what you want or feeling completely confident.
We all change and grow, and there will naturally be times when we question ourselves.
The difference is that when you have a reasonably secure sense of self, you can usually come back to yourself.
You can hear someone else's opinion without automatically assuming they're right.
You can recognise that someone is disappointed with you without immediately believing you've done something wrong.
And you can make a decision without needing everyone else to agree with it.
When your sense of self feels less secure, these things can become much harder.
What does a weak sense of self feel like?
You may recognise some of these experiences:
You find it difficult to know what you actually want.
You often look to other people to decide whether something is right or wrong.
You change your opinions depending on who you're with.
You worry about how other people perceive you.
You find it difficult to make decisions.
You regularly question whether you've said or done the right thing.
You put other people's needs before your own.
You struggle to say no or set boundaries.
You feel guilty when you prioritise yourself.
You sometimes feel like different versions of yourself with different people.
You know what other people need from you, but aren't sure what you need from them.
You may feel disconnected from your own preferences, feelings or desires.
You can feel confident one moment and deeply uncertain the next.
You don't need to relate to all of these.
And having some of these experiences doesn't necessarily mean that you have a "weak sense of self". But if they are persistent and affecting your relationships or your ability to feel comfortable in yourself, it may be worth exploring.
Where does a less secure sense of self come from?
There isn't one single reason.
Our sense of who we are develops through our experiences and relationships, particularly as we grow up.
As children, we learn about ourselves partly through how the important people around us respond to us.
Over time, we begin to develop an internal sense of:
This is what I like.
This is what I don't like.
This is what I need.
This is what I feel.
This is who I am.
But if we learn that our feelings or needs are unwelcome, ignored or less important than those of others, we may become very attuned to what other people want instead.
Perhaps you learned that keeping other people happy helped maintain peace.
Maybe you were praised for being "good", easy-going or responsible.
There might not have been much room for you to express anger, disagreement or difficult emotions.
Or did you experience relationships where acceptance felt conditional.
None of these experiences have to be dramatic to have an impact.
Over time, you may become very good at adapting to other people, while becoming less familiar with yourself.
The connection between people pleasing and a weak sense of self
People pleasing and a less secure sense of self can become closely connected.
If you have learned to prioritise other people's feelings, you may automatically ask:
What do they want me to do?
before asking:
What do I want to do?
You might find yourself agreeing to things before you've had time to consider whether you actually want to.
You may say "I don't mind" when you actually do mind.
You may avoid expressing your preferences because you're worried about upsetting someone.
Eventually, it can become difficult to distinguish between being considerate of other people and abandoning your own needs.
This doesn't mean you need to become selfish or stop caring about other people.
Developing a stronger sense of self is about being able to hold both:
Their needs matter.
And my needs matter too.
Why can a weak sense of self lead to overthinking?
This is where a less secure sense of self can become particularly exhausting.
When you're uncertain about your own feelings, decisions or boundaries, you may rely more heavily on other people's reactions to work out whether you're "getting it right".
And this can lead to overthinking.
You might replay a conversation:
Did I say too much?
Did they seem annoyed?
Should I have agreed with them?
Maybe I should have handled it differently.
The thinking can become an attempt to work out how you should have been.
Instead of trusting your own response, you look backwards for clues.
This can create a cycle:
Uncertainty about yourself → seeking reassurance → temporary relief → more doubt → more overthinking.
Understanding this connection can be an important step towards breaking the cycle.
Why relationships can make this particularly difficult
Our sense of self doesn't exist separately from our relationships.
For some people, being in a relationship can make these difficulties more noticeable.
You may feel relatively confident when you're single, but become anxious when you become emotionally attached to someone.
You might become preoccupied with whether they still love you, whether you've done something wrong or whether you're enough for them.
You may find yourself adapting your behaviour to avoid rejection or conflict.
This can sometimes look like relationship anxiety, but underneath it there may also be a deeper uncertainty about your own worth and identity within the relationship.
You might unconsciously begin to measure yourself through the other person's eyes.
If they love me, I must be okay.
If they're unhappy with me, I must have done something wrong.
This can make relationships emotionally exhausting.
What about identity and feeling different in different situations?
For some people, questions around identity can make a sense of self even more complicated.
This can be particularly true when you are navigating different cultures, expectations, communities or versions of yourself.
You may feel that you are one person at home and another at work, or that different parts of your identity are more accepted in different environments.
Living with a dual or multiple identity can sometimes leave you questioning where you belong and which parts of yourself you are allowed to express.
Rather than there being something wrong with you, it may be that you've become highly skilled at adapting to different environments.
The question then becomes:
What parts of me are genuinely mine, and which parts have I learned to adapt in order to belong?
Therapy can provide a space to explore these questions without having to choose one part of yourself over another.
Can you develop a stronger sense of self?
Yes.
A stronger sense of self isn't something you either have or don't have.
It can develop over time through becoming more aware of your feelings, needs, values and boundaries — and gradually learning to trust them.
This might involve beginning with small questions:
What do I actually want?
How do I feel about this, separate from what everyone else thinks?
Am I saying yes because I want to, or because I'm worried about saying no?
What would I choose if I wasn't worried about disappointing someone?
What matters to me?
These questions can feel surprisingly difficult if you've spent years prioritising other people's needs.
You don't have to suddenly become completely confident or assertive.
It can begin with simply becoming more curious about yourself.
How can therapy help?
From a psychodynamic perspective, therapy can provide an opportunity to explore how your sense of self has developed and how earlier experiences and relationships may still influence the way you relate to yourself and others.
Rather than simply telling you to "be more confident" or "set better boundaries", we can explore why these things may feel difficult in the first place.
At the same time, therapy doesn't have to remain focused on the past.
There may also be practical changes you want to make in your life now — becoming more comfortable saying no, making decisions, expressing your needs or developing healthier relationships.
This is where a solution-focused approach can also be helpful.
Understanding yourself and making changes in the present can work alongside each other.
You don't have to become someone else to find yourself
Developing a stronger sense of self isn't about becoming more confident, louder or more independent.
It's about becoming more connected to yourself.
Being able to recognise what you feel.
Knowing what matters to you.
Being able to have your own opinions without needing everyone to agree.
Being able to care about other people without losing yourself in the process.
And being able to say:
"This is who I am, this is what I need, and I can still have meaningful relationships with people who see things differently."
If you've spent a long time adapting yourself to other people, discovering yourself again can take time.
Therapy can offer a space to slow down, explore these patterns and begin to develop a more secure relationship with yourself.
You don't need to know exactly who you are before you begin. Sometimes therapy can be part of finding out.
