Why Do I Struggle to Know Who I Am? — Understanding a Weak Sense of Self

Have you ever found yourself wondering “Who am I, really?”

Perhaps you know how to be there for other people, but struggle to know what you want for yourself. You might find yourself changing depending on who you're with, second-guessing your decisions, or looking to other people for reassurance that you're doing the right thing.

Sometimes this can leave you feeling confused, disconnected or unsure of what you actually want.

A less secure sense of self can affect many areas of life — from relationships and boundaries to decision-making, self-esteem and anxiety.

What does it mean to have a sense of self?

Our sense of self is our internal understanding of who we are.

It includes our feelings, values, preferences, beliefs, needs and boundaries. It allows us to recognise what feels right and wrong for us, even when other people may think differently.

Having a secure sense of self doesn't mean always knowing exactly what you want or feeling completely confident.

We all change and grow, and there will naturally be times when we question ourselves.

The difference is that when you have a reasonably secure sense of self, you can usually come back to yourself.

You can hear someone else's opinion without automatically assuming they're right.

You can recognise that someone is disappointed with you without immediately believing you've done something wrong.

And you can make a decision without needing everyone else to agree with it.

When your sense of self feels less secure, these things can become much harder.

What does a weak sense of self feel like?

You may recognise some of these experiences:

• You find it difficult to know what you actually want.

• You often look to other people to decide whether something is right or wrong.

• You change your opinions depending on who you're with.

• You worry about how other people perceive you.

• You find it difficult to make decisions.

• You regularly question whether you've said or done the right thing.

• You put other people's needs before your own.

• You struggle to say no or set boundaries.

• You feel guilty when you prioritise yourself.

• You sometimes feel like different versions of yourself with different people.

• You know what other people need from you, but aren't sure what you need from them.

• You may feel disconnected from your own preferences, feelings or desires.

• You can feel confident one moment and deeply uncertain the next.

You don't need to relate to all of these.

And having some of these experiences doesn't necessarily mean that you have a "weak sense of self". But if they are persistent and affecting your relationships or your ability to feel comfortable in yourself, it may be worth exploring.

Where does a less secure sense of self come from?

There isn't one single reason.

Our sense of who we are develops through our experiences and relationships, particularly as we grow up.

As children, we learn about ourselves partly through how the important people around us respond to us.

Over time, we begin to develop an internal sense of:

This is what I like.
This is what I don't like.
This is what I need.
This is what I feel.
This is who I am.

But if we learn that our feelings or needs are unwelcome, ignored or less important than those of others, we may become very attuned to what other people want instead.

Perhaps you learned that keeping other people happy helped maintain peace.

Maybe you were praised for being "good", easy-going or responsible.

There might not have been much room for you to express anger, disagreement or difficult emotions.

Or did you experience relationships where acceptance felt conditional.

None of these experiences have to be dramatic to have an impact.

Over time, you may become very good at adapting to other people, while becoming less familiar with yourself.

The connection between people pleasing and a weak sense of self

People pleasing and a less secure sense of self can become closely connected.

If you have learned to prioritise other people's feelings, you may automatically ask:

What do they want me to do?

before asking:

What do I want to do?

You might find yourself agreeing to things before you've had time to consider whether you actually want to.

You may say "I don't mind" when you actually do mind.

You may avoid expressing your preferences because you're worried about upsetting someone.

Eventually, it can become difficult to distinguish between being considerate of other people and abandoning your own needs.

This doesn't mean you need to become selfish or stop caring about other people.

Developing a stronger sense of self is about being able to hold both:

Their needs matter.
And my needs matter too.

Why can a weak sense of self lead to overthinking?

This is where a less secure sense of self can become particularly exhausting.

When you're uncertain about your own feelings, decisions or boundaries, you may rely more heavily on other people's reactions to work out whether you're "getting it right".

And this can lead to overthinking.

You might replay a conversation:

Did I say too much?

Did they seem annoyed?

Should I have agreed with them?

Maybe I should have handled it differently.

The thinking can become an attempt to work out how you should have been.

Instead of trusting your own response, you look backwards for clues.

This can create a cycle:

Uncertainty about yourself → seeking reassurance → temporary relief → more doubt → more overthinking.

Understanding this connection can be an important step towards breaking the cycle.

Why relationships can make this particularly difficult

Our sense of self doesn't exist separately from our relationships.

For some people, being in a relationship can make these difficulties more noticeable.

You may feel relatively confident when you're single, but become anxious when you become emotionally attached to someone.

You might become preoccupied with whether they still love you, whether you've done something wrong or whether you're enough for them.

You may find yourself adapting your behaviour to avoid rejection or conflict.

This can sometimes look like relationship anxiety, but underneath it there may also be a deeper uncertainty about your own worth and identity within the relationship.

You might unconsciously begin to measure yourself through the other person's eyes.

If they love me, I must be okay.

If they're unhappy with me, I must have done something wrong.

This can make relationships emotionally exhausting.

What about identity and feeling different in different situations?

For some people, questions around identity can make a sense of self even more complicated.

This can be particularly true when you are navigating different cultures, expectations, communities or versions of yourself.

You may feel that you are one person at home and another at work, or that different parts of your identity are more accepted in different environments.

Living with a dual or multiple identity can sometimes leave you questioning where you belong and which parts of yourself you are allowed to express.

Rather than there being something wrong with you, it may be that you've become highly skilled at adapting to different environments.

The question then becomes:

What parts of me are genuinely mine, and which parts have I learned to adapt in order to belong?

Therapy can provide a space to explore these questions without having to choose one part of yourself over another.

Can you develop a stronger sense of self?

Yes.

A stronger sense of self isn't something you either have or don't have.

It can develop over time through becoming more aware of your feelings, needs, values and boundaries — and gradually learning to trust them.

This might involve beginning with small questions:

What do I actually want?

How do I feel about this, separate from what everyone else thinks?

Am I saying yes because I want to, or because I'm worried about saying no?

What would I choose if I wasn't worried about disappointing someone?

What matters to me?

These questions can feel surprisingly difficult if you've spent years prioritising other people's needs.

You don't have to suddenly become completely confident or assertive.

It can begin with simply becoming more curious about yourself.

How can therapy help?

From a psychodynamic perspective, therapy can provide an opportunity to explore how your sense of self has developed and how earlier experiences and relationships may still influence the way you relate to yourself and others.

Rather than simply telling you to "be more confident" or "set better boundaries", we can explore why these things may feel difficult in the first place.

At the same time, therapy doesn't have to remain focused on the past.

There may also be practical changes you want to make in your life now — becoming more comfortable saying no, making decisions, expressing your needs or developing healthier relationships.

This is where a solution-focused approach can also be helpful.

Understanding yourself and making changes in the present can work alongside each other.

You don't have to become someone else to find yourself

Developing a stronger sense of self isn't about becoming more confident, louder or more independent.

It's about becoming more connected to yourself.

Being able to recognise what you feel.

Knowing what matters to you.

Being able to have your own opinions without needing everyone to agree.

Being able to care about other people without losing yourself in the process.

And being able to say:

"This is who I am, this is what I need, and I can still have meaningful relationships with people who see things differently."

If you've spent a long time adapting yourself to other people, discovering yourself again can take time.

Therapy can offer a space to slow down, explore these patterns and begin to develop a more secure relationship with yourself.

You don't need to know exactly who you are before you begin. Sometimes therapy can be part of finding out.

Why Do I Overthink Everything? Understanding the Link Between Anxiety and Overthinking

Do you find yourself going over conversations long after they have happened, replaying decisions you've made, or imagining everything that could go wrong?

Perhaps you analyse a text message before replying, worry about whether you've said the wrong thing, or find yourself lying awake at night thinking about things that happened days, weeks or even years ago.

You might even tell yourself to "just stop thinking about it" — but somehow, the more you try to stop, the harder it becomes.

If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. Overthinking is often closely connected to anxiety, and it can be mentally exhausting.

What is overthinking?

Overthinking isn't simply thinking deeply about something. It's when your thoughts become repetitive and difficult to switch off, often without leading you towards a solution or any clearer perspective.

You might find yourself asking:

Did I handle that conversation badly?
What if they are upset with me?
Should I have said something different?
What if I make the wrong decision?
What if something goes wrong?

The same questions can go around and around without giving you any greater sense of certainty.

Often, overthinking is an attempt to gain control over uncertainty. If you can think through every possible outcome, perhaps you can prevent something painful or frightening from happening.

The difficulty is that life doesn't offer complete certainty.

Why does anxiety make us overthink?

When we're anxious, the brain can become more alert to potential threats.

You may find yourself scanning situations for signs that something is wrong, looking for reassurance or trying to anticipate what might happen next.

This can create a cycle:

Something feels uncertain → anxiety increases → you think more → you temporarily feel more prepared → uncertainty returns → you think even more.

The thinking can therefore feel productive, even when it isn't actually helping you reach a decision or solve a problem.

Sometimes the goal isn't really to find an answer. It's to feel certain enough to stop feeling anxious.

And because complete certainty is rarely possible, the thinking continues.

Overthinking can be a way of trying to protect yourself

It can be tempting to see overthinking as a problem you simply need to get rid of.

But there may be a reason your mind has learned to work this way.

Perhaps you have learned that being prepared helps you feel safe. Maybe you grew up feeling that you needed to anticipate other people's moods or reactions. You may have experienced situations where making a mistake had consequences, or where you felt responsible for keeping other people happy.

Over time, your mind can learn:

"If I think things through enough, I can prevent something bad from happening."

This doesn't mean that your past has to contain something dramatic or traumatic. Sometimes these patterns develop gradually through relationships, expectations and experiences throughout our lives.

Understanding the function of your overthinking can therefore be more helpful than simply trying to suppress it.

Why do I overthink things I've already done?

One particularly frustrating form of overthinking is replaying the past.

You might analyse a conversation and wonder whether you sounded rude. You may remember something you said years ago and suddenly feel embarrassed all over again.

This can be connected to anxiety about how other people perceive you.

If being accepted, liked or understood feels particularly important, your mind may continually review your interactions for signs that you've done something wrong.

This can be especially common when you struggle with people-pleasing or low self-esteem.

Instead of thinking:

"I said what I meant, and they may have understood it differently — that's okay,"

your mind may automatically go towards:

"Did I upset them? Should I have said it differently? Do they think badly of me?"

The problem isn't that you're thinking too much because you don't care.

Sometimes you're thinking so much because you care too much about what other people think of you.

Why telling yourself to "stop overthinking" doesn't usually work

If you've tried to stop overthinking, you may have noticed that fighting your thoughts can make them louder.

The more you tell yourself "I shouldn't be thinking about this," the more attention your mind can give the thought.

Instead, it can be useful to become curious about what is happening.

You might ask yourself:

What am I afraid might happen?

What am I hoping to achieve by thinking about this?

Am I trying to solve a problem, or am I trying to achieve certainty?

What would happen if I allowed myself not to know the answer?

These questions can help you move from being caught up in the thought to noticing the pattern behind it.

Looking at the deeper roots of overthinking

From a psychodynamic perspective, it can be useful to explore why your mind has learned to respond to uncertainty in this particular way.

For one person, overthinking might be connected to a fear of rejection. For another, it might relate to perfectionism or a strong fear of making mistakes. Someone else may have learned early in life to closely monitor the people around them.

There isn't one explanation for why people overthink.

Therapy can provide an opportunity to explore these patterns without judgement and to understand how past experiences may still influence the way you respond to situations today.

At the same time, understanding where a pattern comes from doesn't mean you have to stay stuck in it.

What can help with overthinking?

There isn't a single technique that works for everyone. But learning to recognise your patterns can be an important starting point.

You might begin by noticing:

• When do I tend to overthink most?

• What situations trigger it?

• What am I afraid will happen?

• Do I seek reassurance when I feel uncertain?

• Am I trying to make a decision, or trying to make myself feel completely certain?

• What do I believe would happen if I got something wrong?

From a solution-focused perspective, we can also look at what's already working.

Are there moments when you don't overthink as much? What is different about those situations? What helps you feel more grounded or confident?

Small changes in how you respond to anxious thoughts can gradually make them feel less powerful.

Could a weak sense of self be contributing to your overthinking?

Sometimes overthinking is not only about anxiety. It can also be connected to how secure we feel in ourselves.

When you have a strong sense of who you are, you may be more able to trust your own thoughts, preferences and decisions. You can recognise that someone else may disagree with you without immediately questioning yourself.

But when your sense of self feels less secure, other people's reactions can become an important source of information about who you are and whether you're "getting things right."

You might find yourself constantly asking:

Was that the right thing to say?
Did I make the right decision?
What do they think of me?
Should I have handled that differently?
What do I actually want?

This can create fertile ground for overthinking.

If you're unsure about your own feelings, needs or opinions, you may look outside yourself for reassurance or certainty. You might repeatedly analyse situations because you're trying to work out what you should think or feel, rather than feeling confident enough to trust your own response.

This can be particularly relevant to people-pleasing. If you've become accustomed to prioritising other people's needs, feelings or expectations, it can become difficult to know where their wants end and your own begin.

Exploring and strengthening your sense of self can therefore be an important part of working with overthinking.You don't have to understand everything before you can change it

Overthinking can leave you feeling as though you need to find the right answer before you can move forward.

But sometimes the answer isn't another hour of thinking.

It may be learning to tolerate a little more uncertainty, trusting yourself a little more, or understanding the fears underneath the thoughts.

Therapy can offer a space to explore both what is happening now and where these patterns may have come from. By combining a psychodynamic understanding with a focus on what can change in the present, it can be possible to develop a different relationship with anxiety and your thoughts.

If overthinking is affecting your relationships, confidence, sleep or ability to enjoy everyday life, you don't have to keep trying to manage it on your own.

You can learn more about my [Anxiety Therapy] page here, or get in touch to discuss whether therapy might be right for you.

How Trauma Shapes Adult Relationships (Part 2)

How Trauma Shapes Adult Relationships (Part 2): Jealousy, Abandonment, and the Fear of Losing Connection

In Part 1, we explored how trauma affects connection, vulnerability, and the ability to let someone know you.

In Part 2, we’ll look at what happens inside relationships — especially when trauma shapes how you respond to uncertainty, distance, or perceived threat.

Trauma doesn’t only affect how you connect.

It affects how you fear losing that connection.

Jealousy as a Trauma Response

Jealousy is often misunderstood as insecurity or possessiveness.

But for many trauma survivors, jealousy is a nervous system response to perceived danger. This may be thought of as a threat to the delicate balance that is your relationship.

It can arise when:

• your partner seems distracted

• they show interest in someone else

• they don’t respond quickly

• their tone changes

• plans shift unexpectedly

The mind interprets these moments as signs of potential loss.

Not because the relationship is unstable, but because past experiences taught you that people can disappear without warning.

Jealousy becomes a way of scanning for threat — a protective strategy, not a flaw.

Abandonment Fears: When Distance Feels Like Danger

Abandonment fears often develop when early relationships were inconsistent, unpredictable, or emotionally unavailable.

As adults, this can show up as:

• panic when someone pulls away

• difficulty tolerating silence or space

• imagining worst‑case scenarios

• needing reassurance to feel safe

• feeling rejected by small changes in behaviour

• becoming hyper‑aware of your partner’s mood

The fear isn’t about the present moment — it’s about the past repeating itself.

Your nervous system remembers what it felt like to be left, dismissed, or forgotten.

Why Trauma Makes Emotional Distance Feel Bigger Than It Is

For someone with trauma, even small emotional shifts can feel enormous.

A partner being quiet can feel like abandonment.

A delayed message can feel like rejection.

A disagreement can feel like the end of the relationship.

This happens because trauma heightens sensitivity to relational cues.

The body reacts as if danger is imminent, even when the relationship is stable.

The Freeze, Fight, or Fawn Response in Relationships

Trauma responses often appear in adult relationships as:

• Freeze: shutting down, going numb, withdrawing

• Fight: becoming reactive, defensive, or overwhelmed

• Fawn: people‑pleasing, over‑accommodating, avoiding conflict

These responses aren’t choices — they’re survival strategies learned long ago. This way of surviving relationships also informs ones attachment style.

When Trauma Makes It Hard to Believe You’re Loved

Trauma can create a deep internal conflict: You want to be loved.

But you struggle to believe love is real, stable, or safe.

This can lead to:

• doubting your partner’s feelings

• questioning your worth

• expecting rejection

• feeling “too much” or “not enough”

• struggling to trust you or your partners feelings

It’s not that you don’t want love — it’s that love feels fragile.

Healing These Patterns Takes Time

Trauma doesn’t disappear with reassurance or logic.

It heals through:

• consistent relational experiences

• emotional safety

• slow, steady connection

• understanding your patterns

• exploring the past without rushing

• building a secure internal base

This is deep work — the kind that unfolds gradually, not instantly.

If You’re Navigating These Patterns, You’re Not Alone

Jealousy, abandonment fears, difficulty trusting, and the push–pull of connection are all understandable responses to trauma.

They make sense. They formed for reasons. And they can soften with support.

If you feel ready to explore how trauma shapes your relationships, you’re welcome to reach out.

Book a free 15‑minute consultation to see whether this kind of slow, reflective work feels right for you.

People‑Pleasing and the Cost of Always Being “Fine”

People‑pleasing sounds harmless — who doesn’t want to be kind, helpful, and easy to get along with?

But when your sense of worth depends on keeping everyone else comfortable, it quietly erodes your boundaries, your identity, and your emotional safety.

Below are three ways people‑pleasing tends to show up — in families, romantic relationships, and at work — and how it can keep you from feeling truly seen.

👪 People‑Pleasing in Families: The Role You Never Asked For

In many families, people‑pleasing starts early.

You learn that peace depends on keeping others happy — smoothing tension, staying quiet, or being the “good one.”

It might look like:

• apologising even when you’ve done nothing wrong

• avoiding conflict at all costs

• taking responsibility for everyone’s feelings

• feeling guilty for having needs

The result? You become the emotional glue that holds everyone together — but no one notices the cost to you.

It’s not selfish to stop doing that. It’s self‑respect.

💞 People‑Pleasing in Romantic Relationships: Love as Performance

In relationships, people‑pleasing often masquerades as care.

You anticipate needs, avoid disagreement, and try to be the “perfect partner.”

But underneath, there’s fear — fear of rejection, abandonment, or being “too much.”

It might look like:

saying yes when you mean no

• hiding your feelings to avoid conflict

• over‑explaining or over‑apologising

• feeling anxious when your partner is distant

When love feels conditional, you start performing instead of connecting.

Real intimacy requires honesty — not perfection.

💼 People‑Pleasing at Work: The Invisible Employee

At work, people‑pleasing can look like dedication — but it’s often exhaustion in disguise.

You take on too much, stay late, and say yes to everything because you fear being seen as difficult or replaceable.

It might look like:

• overworking to prove your value

• avoiding boundaries with colleagues or managers

• feeling anxious about disappointing others

• struggling to say no even when overwhelmed

1. The irony? The more you please, the less you’re seen.

   Healthy professionalism includes boundaries — not burnout.

   🌱 Healing the Pattern

   People‑pleasing isn’t a personality flaw.

   It’s a survival strategy — often rooted in trauma, attachment wounds, or early experiences where love felt conditional.

   Healing means learning that:

• your worth isn’t dependent on approval

• boundaries don’t make you selfish

• saying no doesn’t mean rejection

• you can be kind and assertive

2. If this resonates, you might find my [Trauma Therapy Page] helpful — it explores how early experiences shape patterns like people‑pleasing and how therapy can help you to identify your needs and begin to express them.

Trauma Therapy

How Trauma Shapes Adult Relationships (Part 1): When Connection Feels Unsafe

Trauma doesn’t only live in our mind and memories. It lives in the body, in the nervous system, and in the quiet moments of our relationships — the moments where closeness feels both wanted and frightening.

Many adults find themselves longing for connection while simultaneously feeling unable to fully let someone in. This is often out of their control because trauma teaches the mind and body to prioritise protection over vulnerability.

If you’re exploring how trauma affects your relationships, you may find my page on trauma helpful for a deeper understanding.

Trauma and the Fear of Being Seen

For many people, trauma creates a deep fear of being truly seen.

Not because they don’t want intimacy, but because being seen once meant being hurt, judged, dismissed, or misunderstood.

As adults, this can show up as:

• holding back parts of yourself

• sharing selectively, never fully

• feeling exposed when someone gets close

• focusing on the other persons needs

• worrying that your emotions are “too much”

• hiding your needs to avoid conflict or rejection

The desire for closeness is there — but so is the fear that closeness will cost something.

Why Vulnerability Feels Dangerous

Trauma often teaches the nervous system that vulnerability equals danger. If early experiences involved unpredictability, or emotional neglect, opening up can feel like stepping into a familiar threat.

This can lead to:

• shutting down during emotional conversations

• avoiding topics that feel too personal

• intellectualising instead of feeling

• keeping relationships at a safe emotional distance

• appearing “strong” or “independent” even when longing for support

Trauma always informs our quality of attachment to those closest to us. For more information: You can access the attachment page here:

The Push–Pull of Wanting Connection

Many trauma survivors experience a push–pull dynamic:

• Pull: wanting closeness, comfort, and emotional intimacy

• Push: withdrawing when someone gets too close or when struggles appear in communication.

This can feel confusing, even shameful, but it makes perfect sense.

The mind wants connection.

The body wants protection.

Both are trying to help.

How Trauma Shapes the Ability to Let Someone Know You

Trauma can make it difficult to let someone truly know you because:

• trust feels fragile

• motives feel uncertain

• affection feels suspicious

• compliments feel uncomfortable

• emotional availability feels risky

You may find yourself thinking:

• “If they really knew me, they’d leave.”

• “If I rely on them, I’ll get hurt.”

• “If I open up, they’ll use it against me.”

These beliefs aren’t character flaws — they’re trauma responses.

For more on how trauma shapes identity and self‑worth, you can visit my [Trauma Therapy Page].

Connection After Trauma Is Possible. Trauma doesn’t erase the ability to connect it just interferes with it. I like to use the example of someone on phone struggling to hear the the other person due to interference.

It simply shapes the pace, the fears, and the expectations.

With time, safety, and relational consistency, the nervous system can learn that closeness is no longer a threat.

In Part 2, we’ll explore how trauma influences jealousy, abandonment fears, and the emotional storms that can arise when relationships feel uncertain.

Attachment styles in adult relationships: Understanding The Patterns That Shape How We Love

Attachment styles begin in childhood, but they don’t stay there.

They grow with us, shaping how we connect, how we cope, and how we relate to the people we love.

Many adults find themselves repeating the same relationship patterns not because they’re doing anything wrong, but because their nervous system learned early on what closeness felt like, and it continues to respond in familiar ways.

Understanding your attachment style isn’t about blaming the past.

It’s about making sense of the present.

Below is an outline of the four main attachment styles and how they tend to show up in romantic relationships.

Secure Attachment: Comfort With Closeness and Independence.

Adults with secure attachment generally feel at ease in relationships. They can:

• enjoy closeness without fear

• tolerate distance without panic

• express needs openly

• trust their partner’s intentions

• reconnect after conflict without shutting down or escalating

They expect relationships to be a place of mutual support.

They don’t assume abandonment or rejection - they assume repair.

If you’re exploring attachment patterns, you may also find my page on Attachment‑Focused Therapy helpful.

Avoidant Attachment: When Closeness Feels Overwhelming

Avoidant attachment often develops when early experiences taught someone that emotional closeness was unreliable, overwhelming, or unsafe.

In adult relationships, this can look like:

• pulling away when things feel too intimate

• downplaying their own needs

• appearing self‑sufficient to avoid vulnerability

• feeling uncomfortable with emotional conversations

• needing more space after conflict than their partner expects

Avoidant partners often care deeply, but closeness can trigger a fear of losing independence or being emotionally engulfed.

If this resonates, you may also want to explore People‑Pleasing and Boundary Work, which often overlaps with avoidant patterns.

Anxious / Ambivalent Attachment: Wanting Closeness but Fearing It Won’t Last

Adults with anxious attachment often feel torn between wanting connection and fearing it will disappear.

This can show up as:

• worrying about being abandoned

• needing reassurance to feel secure

• feeling hyper‑aware of shifts in tone or communication

• replaying conversations to check for mistakes

• struggling to relax when the relationship feels uncertain

• finding it hard to return to emotional balance after conflict

Their nervous system stays alert, scanning for signs of withdrawal or rejection — even when the relationship is stable.

If you recognise this, you may find my page on Relationship Anxiety Therapy helpful.

Disorganised Attachment: When Closeness Feels Both Desired and Unsafe

Disorganised attachment often develops when early experiences were frightening, unpredictable, or overwhelming.

As adults, this can lead to relational patterns that feel chaotic or confusing.

It may look like:

• feeling pulled toward closeness and simultaneously terrified of it

• sudden shifts between avoidance and anxiety

• difficulty trusting others or themselves

• emotional responses that feel disproportionate or confusing

• moments of shutting down, freezing, or dissociating during conflict

Relationships can feel both deeply desired and deeply unsafe, creating patterns that are hard to understand without support.

If this feels familiar, you may want to explore my page on Trauma Therapy, as disorganised attachment often has roots in early trauma.

Why Understanding Your Attachment Style Matters

Attachment styles aren’t fixed.

They’re patterns — understandable ones — shaped by early experiences and reinforced over time.

When you begin to understand your attachment style, you can:

• make sense of your reactions

• recognise old patterns playing out in new relationships

• develop healthier ways of relating

• build a more secure internal sense of connection

• choose partners who feel safer and more consistent

• express needs without fear or shame

Awareness is the first step toward change.

Why we all need a time out

Relationships of any kind can be demanding. Every single relationship has a unique dynamic and often requires maintenance. A big part of this maintenance is telling yourself when you need space from relationships.

Just because you have a free weekend you don’t have to pack it full of social engagements. You may want that weekend to recuperate and replenish. Even though you may feel the pull to see some friends or go out for dinner it is just as important to spend time with yourself.

This can also help to put us back in touch with our feelings with at times can get completely lost within a hectic work/social schedule.

Signs that you need to give yourself space

• Becoming increasingly irritated.

  Getting frustrated or irritated is a normal part of life and it can be a response to stressful situations. However feeling irritable all the time and especially to those closest to you could be a sign that you need to get away from every one for a short while. Sometimes something as simple as going for a walk by yourself can make all the difference.

• Not getting enjoyment out of things that you normally would enjoy.

  Having a hobby is a great way to add fulfilment to ones life but something that previously gave you much joy that you feel unable to engage with could be a sign that you need to take step back.

Giving yourself space

Life can get very busy at times. Work, friends and family all have their demands. Sometimes this can be easy to cope with and at other times not so easy.

With all the demands that we face in life it can be hard to know when you need some space for yourself. There can be warning signs that you may need to take a time out.

Self Acceptance

Knowing when to accept your thoughts and behaviours is a challenging concept. There is a feeling that perhaps is you are practising self acceptance then your are not taking responsibility for your actions. But is it possible to be responsible and to be self accepting, I feel it is.

If you can take responsibility for behaving in a way that you didn’t feel was appropriate, one can then also practise self acceptance by allowing yourself to make a mistake and by not prolonging the feeling of shame for it.

Perfection is not possible, everyone know this but yet as a society we all tend to strive for it, in our relationships, at work, etc… A high part of self acceptance is allowing for imperfection to exist. It is the room to get things wrong. As painful as it can be at the time, mistakes are also a necessary part of developing in life.

Social Media

Social media is predominantly becoming the way we communicate with each other and our environment. How many times have you found yourself involved in a convo where everyone is talking about a particular post and the feeling of missing out if you have not sen the post.

Arrogance misunderstood?? pt.2

in my previous post I shared an example of my friends behaviour with you. His arrogance was a way of protecting himself. In the past his in laws had made him feel uncomfortable and small. He wasn’t sure what to do with those feelings or how to respond.

His arrogance kept them at a distance thus resulting in them being unable to engage with him and belittle him. Behaving arrogantly can be a way of protecting yourself and making sure other people don’t get too close. Think about how you have felt when other people have been arrogant towards you.

Communication and Identity

It is not common to think of the way in which we communicate to be part of our identity but it is.

How you communicate is very much about how you relate to the world.

Arrogance misunderstood??

Behaving in an arrogant way is a sure way to repel people but why do we do it then. One thing is for certain no one behaves arrogantly because it makes them feel good. I’m sure it is something we can all recognise in ourselves. People can be arrogant at home, at work and socially.

Arrogance usually occurs when there is something uncomfortable happening. I saw the happen with my friend at a family function I was invited to. My friend was aware that his in laws were going to be there who he doesn’t get along with. He was really nervous about seeing them and his unconscious way of dealing with that was to behave arrogantly towards them. He made little eye contact and made it difficult for them to communicate with him.

On a spectrum

A spectrum by definition is a scale between two extreme points. The use of the term spectrum has helped psychology a great deal. The approach that you either are or are not is a former and more rigid way of viewing things. This approach would often alienate individuals into thinking they are abnormal.

Whereas thinking of things in reference to a spectrum helps us to see that an individual does not need to be in either A or B but that they can be both and they can also be somewhere in between A and B.

Masculinity and mental health pt.2

So one he is through the door and is sitting comfortably in an uncomfortable way. The therapist will help him find a way to talk about himself. Some men approach therapy with the idea of needing to be fixed as if in someway there brain is broken. That is exactly how some men feel when they struggle with there emotions or have been unable to process and experience or trauma; they feel broken!

They feel broken because they feel let down by their emotions and they want to fix that or remove feeling emotional at all. The therapist at this stage not only needs to contain the mans shame at being in therapy in the place but giving them a gentle introduction into what emotions are, how they work, the affects they have and how he is using them. Often most men find this a relief. It is as though they have finally been given permission to acknowledge they are not ok.

Masculinity and mental health

Since I began working clinically i have noticed that men are becoming more aware of being able to access therapy. So why is it so hard for some men to access therapy. For anyone to start seeking help they first need to acknowledge that something isn’t going right for them.

For some men the thought of acknowledging that there is something wrong is an incredibly shameful experience. To admit that you cannot handle every aspect of your emotions and life. This can be considered to some people as a sign of weakness and frailty.

For the majority of men it is not only their feelings of needing to be ok and ‘honestly i’m fine!’ attitude but it is also the attitude that their family has towards masculinity that over time gets engrained with the individual. Ie; a twenty something is noticing that they have been feeling down after a breakup, he is having trouble processing what happened in the relationship but his father has told him not be weak and to get back out there. For someone like this young man there is a need for reassurance that seeking help does not make you weak but that there is a great strength is knowing that you are not ok and then getting help.

Small talk pt.3

Secondary small talk basically is a tool to determine whether your colleague/peer is your kind of person. Secondary small talk often involves generalised conversation with small elements of the self. I shall illustrate this through a small dialogue between Liz and Kate. Kate has just started a new job and is working along side Liz on project. This is the second day they are working together.

Kate: Hi Liz, thanks for all your help yesterday.

Liz: No worries. You will get the hang of it.

Kate: Yeah hope so. Its meant to be lovely weather on Saturday.

Liz: I could really do with some sun. You got any plans.

Kate: Not really, might go for a picnic with the kids and hubby.

Kate’s last sentence was a way of letting Liz know something personal about herself but in safe and generalised way. In the hope that Liz will be also offer some personal information. Liz now knows that Kate has children. If Liz wants to engage in further small talk she might ask Kate how old her kids. If she does the conversation will transition from small talk to a conversation that will let them know a bit more about each other. Thus building on a relationship.

Small talk pt.2

When you first begin to form a relationship with someone at school or work or at your local gym, small talk is the communication tool you will use to begin relating to them. Small talk acts as a sensor and actually does a lot more than people consciously realise.

Through engaging in small talk you are able to determine how interested another person is in you. If someone gives you continuous eye contact and a friendly smile you are likely to expand on your initial small talk. You started talking about the weather, now you may ask how their weekend was. This is what I like to call secondary small talk.

Small Talk pt.1

Firstly there is an awareness that they are part of the same environment as their peers. Secondly they begin to comment on this environment before they begin to comment on themselves. Why is this? It is safer to talk about something they have in common with other people than to talk about themselves.

This is why small talk is so important. Small talk acts as a bridge between talking about something that you know the other person will be able to relate too. Ie: What a miserable day, I can believe all this rain. For sure you know the other person is aware of the weather.