Communication can be difficult. Some people are good at taking about work as there is already an existing framework to the communication. There is a safeness and familiarity to it. This framework gets set for us from a very early age.

We start at pre-school which is often a pre-verbal time. As one goes through their schooling they learn to communicate their experience at school. Talking about which teachers they like and dislike, who they don’t like in their class. These are very important developments in communication.

being there and not there

A common aspect of depression that most people are familiar with is the struggle of going out and being able to interact with your surroundings.

What is less commonly known is that there are many people who are in a depression who are able to go out, to go to work and to socialise. Just because they are able to do those things it doesn’t mean that they are not in a depression anymore. Many depressed people live very functional lives however it is the level of enjoyment within their lives that the depression limits.

For example a depressed person may go to a party and say and do all of the ‘right things’ but actually deep down they feel unable to fully engage with their experience.

What no one tells you about depression. Pt.2

Feelings help us to notice things about ourselves. When you feel angry it is because something is not sitting right with you. When you feel excited it is usually because you are looking forward to something. But it you find yourself in a state where there is an absence of feeling it is impossible to know what your emotional state is.

Many people who are depressed do not know why they are depressed because they do not have many present feelings to help them make sense of things. This process is often very gradual. Therapy helps you to begin to feel again.

Fear pt2

You may feel very anxious in the run up to an event or family function. That anxiety can often be a manifestation of an initial fear that is felt. The fear could be directed toward something going wrong or something bad happening to yourself or someone else.


Humans usually feel fear in response to something that is going to happen. Ie: you might fee frightened the first time you have to drive on the motorway or you may fear in relation to a family member. Fear can be felt in varying degrees but most commonly is manifested through anxiety.

High Expectations

We all have ideas about ourselves. Most of the time these ideas are often magnified parts of ourselves. In one idea you might have all the good bits and in another all the bad bits. The idea that has all the good bits is usually you meeting all your high expectations and the bad idea of yourself is the one where you meet none of your expectations.

Sometimes expectations can be manageable and at other times they are so unrealistic. We are only human but in todays society it is looked down upon to not reach all of your expectations and then some.

Where do our own expectations come from?

Expectations are a cluster of ideas we have about ourselves and people close to us. You may expect your partner to be supportive if you are going through a difficult time. but where do these expectations come from and why do we have them.

Expectations develop over time and often change as we change. At times our expectations can come from our primary care takers whilst growing up. For example the expectation to get good grades or join the family business. Those examples are expectations that have like been adopted. As you go through life you might begin to shed those adopted expectations and create your own.

What no one tells you about trauma?

When most people hear the word trauma, the common response is to think of big events like an environmental disaster, a mugging or attack of some kind. Trauma often gets associated with something psychical that has happened.

What is less common is thinking of relationships as traumatic and that being with your partner has caused you some kind of trauma. It is not until the relationship has ended that a person can see how traumatic the relationship was. It is easier for people to think of relationships as damaging but harder to think that another person has caused you trauma without their being any level of physical abuse. I feel it is really important that people are able to acknowledge that an individual experience of another person can be traumatic.

Insomnia Pt.2

In the previous post I mentioned a few things that people engage in when they suffer from insomnia. But why? Why does an individual stay up till 3am watching tv just to avoid going to sleep.

In my opinion it is not the sleep that is the problem but the bit in between. Nobody falls asleep straight away when they lay in bed well some lucky people might but most of us don’t. There is a space before we fall asleep and many people who suffer from insomnia find this space unbearable. For some there is a feeling that particular thoughts keep circulating, some of these thoughts may create anxiety.

So what some people do is to fill that space with something in order not to think or feel anxious. Insomnia can be caused by many different things such as PTSD, stress at work or at home, depression etc.

Insomnia Pt.1

The basic definition of insomnia is the inability to sleep. This can vary, some individuals may not be able to sleep at all whilst others may not be able to sleep until 2 or 3am. This kind of partial insomnia seems very common.

It is not just the inability to sleep that makes up insomnia it is the inability to shut down and relax enough to sleep. Most people who suffer from insomnia to whatever degree will tell how tired they feel. However when it comes time to sleep there seems to be a restlessness that takes over. Whether it is working, engaging in social media or streaming Netflix show these are the things that ultimately stop you from trying to sleep.

Understanding boundaries Pt2.

As I said previously being able to say no is really important when trying to establish boundaries. Boundaries work to protect yourself from other people and is essentially a form of self care. It links to how you want to be treated by others, what you are willing to accept or not accept.

The difficulty with boundary setting is that it is up to the individual to continuously exert them. People will test your boundaries and push against them but it is up to the individual to maintain them.

Having good boundaries is key to having better balanced relationships which ultimately leads on to more fulfilment.

Understanding boundaries Pt1.

An individuals boundaries will change over time. A person will not not have the same set of boundaries for every relationship. The type of boundaries you have within yourself towards another person depends on the dynamic of that relationship. For example you can have very clear boundaries with a friend but with another friend you may find it difficult to assert yourself.

Having good boundaries does not mean you are selfish or cold. Being able to say no to someone is an act of setting a boundary. Saying no is really important as it shows that you are able to take your own opinions into consideration.

What no one tells you about self worth

A common misconception about self worth is that having self worth means being happy, confident and out going. When actually it is not about those things at all.

Self worth means being able to acknowlegde when something is good or bad for you. Self worth is a way of noticing yourself. For example an individual with self worth would be able to walk away form someone who was taking advantage of them. This would still be difficult and painful but they would be able to act on their feelings. Whereas an individual with very little self with could have an awareness that they were being used but they would not have the power to walk away from the situation.

Having self worth is a powerful tool to have. It can prevent an individual from staying in an unhealthy relationship and it helps an individual to know when a relationship is good for them. It is not something that can develop over night and it is not reflective of how good you feel.

Misunderstanding intimacy

Many people believe intimacy to mean sex but it is not. Some couples who are unable to feel close or vulnerable to one another may feel they need to be physical to feel close to one another. However that only creates a temporary feeling of closeness. Prolonged closeness between two people comes from emotional intimacy which is a feeling of being able to be open and vulnerable.

A lack of intimacy between two people often feels like there is a great distance between the two people. Lack of intimacy can result in boredom, being defensive, arguments, frustration and a general lack of communication.


Intimacy issues are often associated with relationships. Many individuals feel concerned that there is a lack of intimacy in their relationship. But what is intimacy and what does it mean to be intimate. The simplest way to describe intimacy is too feel close. So when a person complains of lack of intimacy with their partner what they are really saying is that they do not feel close to their partner.

Being able to feel emotionally close to your parter, family member or friend is really important. It is trough that closeness that you are able to build on a mutual understanding which therefor leads to an emotional fulfilment.


Every individual has perspective which is their own way of looking at the world. Perspective gets developed over time which is why someone cannot change their perspective overnight. It gets developed through interactions and experiences with significant people in your life. Such as parents, extended family and friends.

Early experiences with the wold begin to shape how you see the world and what you expect or do not expect from the world. Whatever your individual perspective is, it often informs how you relate to the world and other people.