Do you find yourself going over conversations long after they have happened, replaying decisions you've made, or imagining everything that could go wrong?
Perhaps you analyse a text message before replying, worry about whether you've said the wrong thing, or find yourself lying awake at night thinking about things that happened days, weeks or even years ago.
You might even tell yourself to "just stop thinking about it" — but somehow, the more you try to stop, the harder it becomes.
If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. Overthinking is often closely connected to anxiety, and it can be mentally exhausting.
What is overthinking?
Overthinking isn't simply thinking deeply about something. It's when your thoughts become repetitive and difficult to switch off, often without leading you towards a solution or any clearer perspective.
You might find yourself asking:
Did I handle that conversation badly?
What if they are upset with me?
Should I have said something different?
What if I make the wrong decision?
What if something goes wrong?
The same questions can go around and around without giving you any greater sense of certainty.
Often, overthinking is an attempt to gain control over uncertainty. If you can think through every possible outcome, perhaps you can prevent something painful or frightening from happening.
The difficulty is that life doesn't offer complete certainty.
Why does anxiety make us overthink?
When we're anxious, the brain can become more alert to potential threats.
You may find yourself scanning situations for signs that something is wrong, looking for reassurance or trying to anticipate what might happen next.
This can create a cycle:
Something feels uncertain → anxiety increases → you think more → you temporarily feel more prepared → uncertainty returns → you think even more.
The thinking can therefore feel productive, even when it isn't actually helping you reach a decision or solve a problem.
Sometimes the goal isn't really to find an answer. It's to feel certain enough to stop feeling anxious.
And because complete certainty is rarely possible, the thinking continues.
Overthinking can be a way of trying to protect yourself
It can be tempting to see overthinking as a problem you simply need to get rid of.
But there may be a reason your mind has learned to work this way.
Perhaps you have learned that being prepared helps you feel safe. Maybe you grew up feeling that you needed to anticipate other people's moods or reactions. You may have experienced situations where making a mistake had consequences, or where you felt responsible for keeping other people happy.
Over time, your mind can learn:
"If I think things through enough, I can prevent something bad from happening."
This doesn't mean that your past has to contain something dramatic or traumatic. Sometimes these patterns develop gradually through relationships, expectations and experiences throughout our lives.
Understanding the function of your overthinking can therefore be more helpful than simply trying to suppress it.
Why do I overthink things I've already done?
One particularly frustrating form of overthinking is replaying the past.
You might analyse a conversation and wonder whether you sounded rude. You may remember something you said years ago and suddenly feel embarrassed all over again.
This can be connected to anxiety about how other people perceive you.
If being accepted, liked or understood feels particularly important, your mind may continually review your interactions for signs that you've done something wrong.
This can be especially common when you struggle with people-pleasing or low self-esteem.
Instead of thinking:
"I said what I meant, and they may have understood it differently — that's okay,"
your mind may automatically go towards:
"Did I upset them? Should I have said it differently? Do they think badly of me?"
The problem isn't that you're thinking too much because you don't care.
Sometimes you're thinking so much because you care too much about what other people think of you.
Why telling yourself to "stop overthinking" doesn't usually work
If you've tried to stop overthinking, you may have noticed that fighting your thoughts can make them louder.
The more you tell yourself "I shouldn't be thinking about this," the more attention your mind can give the thought.
Instead, it can be useful to become curious about what is happening.
You might ask yourself:
What am I afraid might happen?
What am I hoping to achieve by thinking about this?
Am I trying to solve a problem, or am I trying to achieve certainty?
What would happen if I allowed myself not to know the answer?
These questions can help you move from being caught up in the thought to noticing the pattern behind it.
Looking at the deeper roots of overthinking
From a psychodynamic perspective, it can be useful to explore why your mind has learned to respond to uncertainty in this particular way.
For one person, overthinking might be connected to a fear of rejection. For another, it might relate to perfectionism or a strong fear of making mistakes. Someone else may have learned early in life to closely monitor the people around them.
There isn't one explanation for why people overthink.
Therapy can provide an opportunity to explore these patterns without judgement and to understand how past experiences may still influence the way you respond to situations today.
At the same time, understanding where a pattern comes from doesn't mean you have to stay stuck in it.
What can help with overthinking?
There isn't a single technique that works for everyone. But learning to recognise your patterns can be an important starting point.
You might begin by noticing:
When do I tend to overthink most?
What situations trigger it?
What am I afraid will happen?
Do I seek reassurance when I feel uncertain?
Am I trying to make a decision, or trying to make myself feel completely certain?
What do I believe would happen if I got something wrong?
From a solution-focused perspective, we can also look at what's already working.
Are there moments when you don't overthink as much? What is different about those situations? What helps you feel more grounded or confident?
Small changes in how you respond to anxious thoughts can gradually make them feel less powerful.
Could a weak sense of self be contributing to your overthinking?
Sometimes overthinking is not only about anxiety. It can also be connected to how secure we feel in ourselves.
When you have a strong sense of who you are, you may be more able to trust your own thoughts, preferences and decisions. You can recognise that someone else may disagree with you without immediately questioning yourself.
But when your sense of self feels less secure, other people's reactions can become an important source of information about who you are and whether you're "getting things right."
You might find yourself constantly asking:
Was that the right thing to say?
Did I make the right decision?
What do they think of me?
Should I have handled that differently?
What do I actually want?
This can create fertile ground for overthinking.
If you're unsure about your own feelings, needs or opinions, you may look outside yourself for reassurance or certainty. You might repeatedly analyse situations because you're trying to work out what you should think or feel, rather than feeling confident enough to trust your own response.
This can be particularly relevant to people-pleasing. If you've become accustomed to prioritising other people's needs, feelings or expectations, it can become difficult to know where their wants end and your own begin.
Exploring and strengthening your sense of self can therefore be an important part of working with overthinking.You don't have to understand everything before you can change it
Overthinking can leave you feeling as though you need to find the right answer before you can move forward.
But sometimes the answer isn't another hour of thinking.
It may be learning to tolerate a little more uncertainty, trusting yourself a little more, or understanding the fears underneath the thoughts.
Therapy can offer a space to explore both what is happening now and where these patterns may have come from. By combining a psychodynamic understanding with a focus on what can change in the present, it can be possible to develop a different relationship with anxiety and your thoughts.
If overthinking is affecting your relationships, confidence, sleep or ability to enjoy everyday life, you don't have to keep trying to manage it on your own.
You can learn more about my [Anxiety Therapy] page here, or get in touch to discuss whether therapy might be right for you.
